By Brenda Blom
Many leaders struggle with being people pleasers—going out of their way to avoid saying “no” to requests. While well-intentioned, this tendency can lead to overload, resentment, and burnout. As an industrial-organizational psychologist and executive coach, I’ve found effective ways to help these leaders set boundaries and say the little two-letter word "no." In my coaching practice, I have found people pleasing to be a common obstacle for many leaders. I’ve found that this tendency affects personal happiness and leadership effectiveness. Most clients are “pretty effective” as leaders but find after eliminating people-pleasing mindsets and behaviors that, they unlock much more potential to thrive for themselves and their businesses.
Here are some main characteristics of a "people-pleasing" mindset.
1. Difficulty Saying "No"
People pleasers struggle to refuse requests from others, even when saying yes risks overcommitting themselves. They have an excessive tendency to comply, which can come at the cost of their well-being and priorities.
2. Need for Approval
Many people pleasers strongly desire to be liked and seek external validation from peers and authority figures. This excessive approval-seeking underlies difficulty in setting boundaries or asserting needs.
3. High Empathy, Low Self-Care
People pleasers demonstrate profound empathy and care for others' needs while struggling with self-compassion. They may sacrifice self-care to avoid disappointing others. Burnout is a significant risk over time.
4. Negative Self-Perception
A lack of confidence and fear of negative perceptions from others if they say "no" motivate people-pleasing behavior. Assertiveness may be misconstrued as selfishness through this lens.
Research estimates that 15-20% of the overall population struggles with people pleasing tendencies. However, some data suggests it is more prevalent in women, of which 30-35% identify as people pleasers.
When it comes to leadership specifically, people-pleasing is cited as a top psychological hurdle. Leaders' tendencies to be empathetic, team-focused, and approval-seeking coalesce into people pleasing patterns. Saying "no" becomes integral for avoiding overload and burnout.
1. Know Your Worth
Leaders who are people pleasers often underestimate the value they bring to their organizations. Taking time for structured self-reflection on accomplishments, impact, unique strengths, and previous praise can build self-confidence. This allows leaders to recognize their worth and determine appropriate priorities and capacity.
2. Set Priorities First
Before agreeing to take on additional tasks or requests, leaders should pause and consult their role responsibilities, goals for the quarter, and current schedule. Checking if the request aligns with documented priorities allows for a more deliberate, values-based decision rather than a reflexive yes. Blocking focus time on the calendar also delineates availability.
3. Practice Assertive Communication
Assertive communication involves directly yet diplomatically expressing one’s needs and setting boundaries. This skill is essential for people-pleaser leaders yet often goes against their nature. While saying "no" may be uncomfortable at first, it is critical for reducing resentment, overwhelming stress, and burnout over the long run. Leaders can utilize phrases like “I’m unable to take that on right now” or “That doesn’t align with my priorities.” Practicing these conversations builds confidence for when it truly counts.
4. Establish Boundaries
Proactively blocking focus time on one’s calendar delineates availability, while delegation of existing responsibilities liberates capacity. Setting these boundaries reduces reactivity to otherwise constant demands. This prevents the need to make excuses when declining future requests. Planning mandatory self-care activities like exercise or breaks also honors personal limits.
5. Cultivate Self-Compassion
Leaders should show the same compassion and understanding they easily grant to others. Self-criticism for saying “no” undermines progress, while self-care builds resilience. Being a people pleaser is often rooted in a desire to be helpful and liked by others. Exploring these motivations with curiosity and non-judgment allows strategic behavior change. Leaders can retain empathy while still prioritizing personal health and organizational objectives.
With heightened self-awareness, values clarification, and skills mastery, leaders have tremendous potential to overcome excessively accommodating habits while retaining compassion for others. Tactful transparency and empowering vulnerability also promote healthier organizational cultures. My psychology background, paired with executive coaching, equips me to help leaders untangle the deeper issues perpetuating people pleasing while embracing more empowered leadership. Let me know if you would like to chat and discuss possibly meeting for a remote trial session to see how we can unlock more of your potential.
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